You have probably read every one of these jokes and you have probably seen all the pictures.  Here is a collection of most of the crappy and senseless time-wasters that have been sent to us, collected in one place for you to enjoy.  No credit for the misuse of the English language nor any blame for the tasteless remarks or racial slurs.  

These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff.  If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.  

ENJOY!

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things.   They decide to go to the doctor for checkups.  The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

  "To the kitchen."

  "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

  "Sure."

  "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
  "No, I can remember it."

  "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

  He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

  "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

  Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!   Leave me alone! Ice cream with Strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"

  Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

  After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

  She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

John sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. John asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. and you had been drinking.  You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, and so clean, and I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady . . . I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose Bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time........."Priceless".

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

7 reasons not to mess with a child 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's  Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,  "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." 

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

10 TOP Indicators that your employer has changed to a cheaper HMO...

(10)   Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9)     Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when   you
enter the trailer park."

(8)    The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge sicles.

(7)    The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6)    The only item listed in Preventative Care coverage is  "An apple a
day."

(5)    Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month

(4)    "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

(3)    The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2)    Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1)    You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.

  A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The Pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
 
Unfazed, the blonde assures the Pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the Pharmacist, "we don't have any."
 
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
 
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
 
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and Get it."
 
She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
 
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.  She asks him why he is staring.  

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"  

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 

 "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."   

 She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and  #2, you must be Catholic." 

 The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! 

 "OK" the nun says.   "Pull into the next alley." 

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

 "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" 

"Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish."   

 The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." 

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and take the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.  Upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.  He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

 The bartender was surprised, but experienced, and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar.  The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

 The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

 "Huey," replied the first duck.

 "How's your day been, Huey?"

 Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

 "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

 "Dewey,"  came the answer from duck number two.

 "So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.

 "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself.  If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.

 So the bartender turned to the third duck and said,

 "So, you must be Louie?"

 "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

A man walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist he would like to buy some Viagra for the weekend. The pharmacist reminds the man that Viagra isn't available in Canada and refuses to sell him any. The man tells the pharmacist that he has this hot weekend planned meeting two young chicks at a ski lodge and could really use the Viagra, begs him to help him out.

 The pharmacist thinks it over for a second then finally gives him 2 pills to get him thru his weekend. 

The man says "Only two? But I have 2 woman staying with me all weekend, I may need double this amount" 

The pharmacist relents and gives him 4 pills, but says he can't give him anymore than that. The man seems happy with his 4 pills, pays for them and leaves.  

 On Monday morning when the pharmacist arrives to open the shop for the day, the same man is waiting for him at the door. "How did your weekend go?" he asks the man. 

"Pretty good," answers the man "but now I need to buy some Absorbine Jr. because I am all sore now" 

The pharmacist looks shocked, "Absorbine Jr.?? You aren't going to put that on your penis are you?" 

"No," says the man "it's for my right arm, the girls never showed up!!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.  

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"  The rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"  

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"  

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."  

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"  

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly.  He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of  Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
 
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his
temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are pending.

After spending the night with a young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer."

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
 
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the NBA's best basketball player. I am about to beat a rape charge and make millions in free agency. I can't afford to die."  So he took the first pack and left the plane.
 
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
 
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, " I am going to be my party's nominee for President. I survived Vietnam and received the Purple Heart. The country needs heroes like me." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
 
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
 
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you, Mr. President. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

Subject: Dear God...From Children

        
   1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas    and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. !   Amanda

   2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked    for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before.
   You can look it up.    Joyce

   3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.   Janet

   4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.    Love, Alison

   5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?  Charlene

    6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?   Anita

   7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody  in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I    can never do it.   Nancy

   8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.    You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.   Glenn 

   9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?   Love, Dennis

   10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?   Nathan

   11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?   Norma

   12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?  Jennifer

   13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?   Billy

   14. Dear God! , please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.   Peter

   15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.   Larry

   16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.   Mark

   17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it  just doesn't sound right.  What do you say?   Marsha

   18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.   Barbara

   19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you Just know him through the business?   Donny

   20. Dear God, do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.   Charles

   21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?   Jeff

   22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.   Frank

   23. Dear God,  I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

Crisco
There was an old woman wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff,  I am calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"
 
The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"
 
"Lard ass."

 A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual  activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Wednesday and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

 NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Send your own email jokes and we'll add them to the site!    postmaster@reallyneatstuffalaska.com

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